Silent Musings of a PhD
by AllHailtheCrazyBucket
Summary: Delphine is in love with her BFF Cosima. AU.
1. Chapter 1

So, this FF is AU about Delphine being in luv with "just friends" Cosima. Yay! I hope you have fun.

Disclaimer: I don't own shit hahaha.

Career wise I was always ambitious, and extremely driven. I knew I could get wherever I wanted to if I applied myself enough, and frankly, I find scientific research fascinating. The possibilities, everything we have yet to figure out. It used to give me a sense of power and compelled me to do things I'm not necessarily proud of, even though I don't regret them. However, nowadays I find myself, as I like to say, committed to my subject, Cosima Niehaus. I've monitored other clones before, I even got used to finding ways to approach them, to keep them interested, but there's something else about this one. It's so strange and obvious at the same time, I mean, I've seen that face a hundred millions times but somehow she's different. The other clones I worked with, of better off, I worked on, all seem to blend in my mind, but not her. It's as if I memorized every word we exchanged, every time we touched, for whatever reason.

In order to approach her I pretended to go to her school "forgot" not so subtly my report card on a table right next to hers and left. If only I knew where I'd be after just a couple of months I think I would've refused all this. Argh, who am I kidding? Anyway, I succeeded and now we are good friends, although I feel like she sees right through this DYAD charade of ours.

Everything was going according to plan, and suddenly I started to get jealous of other people around her. You see, she has this amazing magnetic personality; pretty much no one can miss her presence. I thought nothing of it at first, but boy, did it escalated quickly. You see, she has the worst taste in lovers I've ever seen… men, women, non binary. She always picks the worst ones and I'm the one watching and comforting her afterwards, which is really not the position I imagined myself awhile back, given that I didn't know I was into girls back then. And honestly maybe I'm not into girls in general, maybe I'm just Cosimasexual or something… and if that wasn't the most ridiculous and whipped thing you ever heard I can't quite conceive what is. How did I end up on some distorted lesbian dilemma, with the all so famous cliché "I fell in love with my best friend and she doesn't want me" so mesmerizing quickly? Too late to wonder now, I guess.

I was handling things pretty well up until now, trying to be supportive and give subtle hints to try to make her see me as something more. (Ok, maybe I just drooled stared at her when she wasn't looking, or let my hand linger a bit too long on her shoulder. All right, I admit it I did nothing… but what was I supposed to do? I'm used to being the approached not the "approchee"). Either way, I'm pretty sure that I blew it all out tonight.

We were at this pretty hip club she was invited to, she was wearing this really tight-in-all-right-places black dress, and her dreads were all wild and free and inviting. We drank a few shots and started dancing together, and due to all that liquid courage, I started getting risky, pulling her towards me and dancing quite suggestively. I've never felt more alive. She whispers to me "I'll be right back" and leaves. I assumed she was just grabbing a drink or maybe going to the bathroom or whatever. She takes quite a while and I decide to go looking for her, only to find her flirting with some woman by the bar. Was that really it? I interrupt (again, I was drunk):

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Delphiine! I was getting to know this wonderful being called…"

"Abby…" Another woman says.

Abby was slightly taller than me, shoulder length brown hair and blue eyes, a pretty decent sense of style and apparently some kind of disability that rendered her incapable of taking her eyes off of Cosima's cleavage.

"Yeah, Abby! I totally knew that! Del, you wouldn't believe, Abby over here is an aspiring actress!"

"Wow, how promising" I deadpanned. I have a freaking PhD for God's sake.

Abby deems appropriate to basically lick Cosima's neck side and whispers something in her ear. Cosima giggles.

I get more aggressive than expected and push them apart, looking straight into the girl's eyes. "Excuse-me, we are having a conversation. Do you mind?" I say to the "actress to be who is most likely just a waiter somewhere".

"Gee, someone needs to get laid. I'm gonna grab my jacket. I'll come back Cosima, so I can show you what I was talking about." She winks and leaves.

"What a fucking asshole…" I say, a bit louder than originally planned.

"Hum…. Ok…. Anyways, I was just looking for you…" She continues.

"Didin't seem like it, since I was waiting at the same spot you left me 20 minutes ago" Huh-huh Bitchie Frenchie just arrived.

"Why are you being like this?" She gazes at me with a frown on her face. "Your'e being mean for no reason. Take a chill pill woman." I smile escapes my lips. How does she do that? "So, as I was saying, as you can see I found myself a really hot chick who wants to take me home with her. Are you ok by yourself here?"

"Yeah sure. I'll just go home and wait for your call tomorrow, or the day after, crying and complaining you'll never find love." Did I say it? Did I actually say it?

Abby returns as we settle into an uncomfortable silence. Cosima seems surprised and perhaps a bit hurt.

"What?"

"Forget about it." I turn to leave, but I can hear them talking.

"What the fuck was that?" Cosima says.

"Blondie over there has a huge lady boner for you." Yes, a complete stranger can see it but Cos doesn't. "So, are we leaving or what?"

"Sure. Let's go."

And that was basically it. Now I just got home and I'll most likely cry myself to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day Delphine wakes up on top of the kitchen table, still holding a bottle of whisky she found the day before and with every classic signal of a monster hangover. She takes a shower, still trying to remember what happened. It takes her some time to make sense of all the scattered pieces she remembers, but eventually she does, and sort of considers chewing glass for a moment. Around noon, there's a knock on the door. Delphine answers it, wearing a robe and with her hair completely disheveled.

"Cosima? What are you doing here?"

"Hey… morning for you too…" She says shyly. "May I come in?" Delphine nods. She enters the living room and there's silence between them. "Soooo… how are you feeling?"

"Terribly hangover." Delphine answers, although it wasn't really necessary given her current state. "Yourself?"

"Humm… yeah I'm fine I guess. Didn't get much sleep though."

"Hmm…"

Once again, Cosima is the one who breaks the silence.

"About yesterday… what happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean we were dancing and having fun and all of a sudden you start acting all weird and shit."

"Wow. You really don't know?"

"About what?"

"Nothing, just leave it. It's not like something is gonna change anyways. And I don't have the energy to have this talk right now; I really just wanna go back to sleep." Delphine moves from Cosima and sits on the couch. The other woman quickly follows her.

"This talk? What the hell! Delphine I thought we were friends! Now you can't even bother to talk to me? Is this it? I fucking care about you"

"I can't believe this" Delphine mutters under her breath. "I just need some time away from you Cosima. I need space to figure out some things." Delphine can barely look at Cosima, partially hiding her face between her hands.

"Yeah bury all your problems. That's gonna help a lot." Cosimas says, disapprovingly.

"You really can't see it can you?" She sobs softly. Cosima sees a few tears rolling down her friend's face, feeling now guilty. She sits right beside Delphine and slowly caresses the blonde's back.

"Look, I don't know what's up with you but I really wanna help. You are incredible and you don't deserve to be like me so I…"

"I'm in love with you that's what's happening" Delphine blurts, raising her voice.

Cosima rapidly gets up, astounded by the news. "You what?"

"You heard it. I fell for you and your ridiculous perfect smile and inappropriate comments… the cute and innocent way you look at things that make you curious and and… your stupid dreads… oh God those stupid dreads… I mean no one is supposed to look good in dreads, but you do. And it really annoys me." She wipes her tears. "And you obviously don't feel the same about me, so I could really use some space right now, to deal with these feelings… I can't keep on watching you dating asshole after asshole, knowing that I could do better but I won't ever have a chance. I'm just so tired of it. So I'll do my best to make myself scarce and try to live my life without you."

Cosima looks at Delphine with a serious and annoyed expression. "So, that's it?" Delphine faces Cosima with a surprised look. When Delphine opens her mouth to protest Cosima interjects. "That's it? You are in love with me and you're just gonna leave it at that? You won't even try to ask me out or something?"

"It's not that simple. You're not in love with me Cosima, I know." She looks down.

"And when did that ever stopped anyone from going on a date? I might not be in love with you right now, but I love who you are as a person, and I must add that I dated people with a lot less than that. What makes you think we don't deserve even a shot?"

Delphine looks up, finally understanding what the brunette is trying to say.

"We? You want me to ask you …"

"You know what, forget about it." Cosima gets up.

"No, non" Delphine says, trying to pull Cosima back.

"**I'm** going to take you out, Dr. Cormier." She lets out one of her trademark smiles. "Let's say, I pick you up around seven tomorrow?"

Delphine smiles. "Yeah, I'd like that".


End file.
